Old Uncle Alphred
by Lyra Dogstar
Summary: Nobody liked Uncle Alphred, but he had his uses. Mild slash, not really worth a warning. Grotesque sense of humor in use.


Notes: Regulus is sort of the main character, but so is Sirius. I've got this weird idea that the two of them got along much better than Sirius let on. This sort of shows my strange sense of humor.  
  
Angeline and Saturnine are the names I gave their parents. I got Saturnine from Saturninus, which is the emporor in the Shakespearian play, "Titus Andronicus". If you aren't familiar with it, then I'll give a quick explaination. Saturninus liked to think that he was a great ruler, when in reality he was weak, and the empress, Tamora,  
  
had all the power. It seemed to fit the situation in the Black household nicely.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Nobody liked Uncle Alphred. Angeline and Saturnine hated his blatant disregard for respect and the family's honour.  
  
When he was five years old, Regulus went on a visit to Alphred's house with Sirius and their cousin, Bellatrix. Alphred was drunk-as usual--and began slapping Angeline and her sons around. That visit didn't last very long.  
  
The beginning of this last visit was Regulus' fourteenth birthday. It was obvious to certain family members that Regulus was NOT straight. It was something unspoken, for it was also obvious that Angeline and Saturnine didn't know. Unfortunatly, Alphred DID know.  
  
It started with looks. Those looks progressed into words as he drank more and more, and in no time they turned into touches. And all Sirius could do was grind his teeth. It was known that the man was a lecher; Bella hadn't been allowed to visit since she was twelve. But unlike Bella, Regulus was too nice to hurt his kin.  
  
So Sirius did for him. He dumped a whole bottle of rat poison in his coffee. Dear Uncle Alphred was dead by morning.  
  
Regulus, like everybody else, knoew that Sirius had killed him. Sirius was impulsive, that was something the fifteen-year-old would do. But Regulus, like everybody else, hated Alphred. The (extended) family told the police that the man had died of a sudden heart failure, due to drinking. And despite the fact that the police knew very well the man was in perfect health at the time, they let the family alone; there was no way they were going to be able to interrogate the whole family.  
  
Of course, part of it my have been the Confundus Charm that Angeline cast on them.  
  
And so now they were at the funeral. Regulus was bouncing on the balls of his feet. This certainly wasn't the way he would have chosen to spend an afternoon. And it was clear that he wasn't the only one. Sirius was gazing off into the distance were it was possible to see the ocean, inviting on such a hot summer day. Bella was leaning against a tree, a glazed over look in her eyes. Every once and a while she would wipe her brow with a handkercheif, uncomfortable in the heavy black clothes.  
  
Finally, the sermon ended, and everybody dispersed, save for Regulus, Sirius, and Bella.  
  
"Man," Sirius said, shedding his outer robe and the black shirt underneath. "I thought that would never end."  
  
"Don't talk," Bella said, taking off her own outer robe. "YOU didn't have to wear stockings, AND you can take off half your clothes without being indecent."  
  
This was how Regulus liked it. Sirius and Bella were the only two around his age. Although they never got along, Sirius still hung around for some reason.  
  
And that's when he felt cold metal on the back of his head. He turned around to see a muggle holding a gun out--it was rather strange, considering he was still dressed in wizard attire.  
  
"Give me all your money," the man said.  
  
Of course, three against one wasn't very fair. Bella jumped on him from behind, and the man fell over, knocking his head on the tombstone.  
  
The three of them peered down at the man, whose head had cracked open.  
  
"Is he dead?" Regulus asked.  
  
"I don't beleive it...." Sirius said quietly.  
  
"What?" Bella looked at him.  
  
"It seems Old Uncle Alphred did some good after all...."  
  
Bella and Regulus burst out laughing. 


End file.
